I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
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Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
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What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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