Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
