Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
