Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
