dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
