my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
