I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
