I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
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