i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
