I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
