I think I won the penis lottery.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Randomize
