Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
