I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
