tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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