y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
