You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Randomize
