The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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