I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
