oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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