my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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