I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
