All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
