There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.