party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
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It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
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We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time