if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
23 People Reveal The Worst Culture Shock They’ve Ever Experienced While Traveling
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
27 People Confess Their Proudest Fap
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.