Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!