My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.