I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
