Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
