she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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