Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
