I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
