i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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