His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
