dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
