i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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