i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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