is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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