I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
