well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
