I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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