I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
These 23 Kids Have The Most Overbearing Parents Imaginable
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.