I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you didnt know i had herpes?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
