Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
