I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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