Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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