Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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