Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
