I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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