The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
