Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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