There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
