Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
BRING THE BAGELS
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
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