pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize