I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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