Only a mothe r could love this liver
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
