I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
