Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I can text with my tongue
just tell him i said nine months
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
