We named our party play list daddy issues
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
