My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
He passed out mid-signature
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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