Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
