It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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